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Little girls don’t need adult body hangups
There is a little girl who comes into Curves whom I adore. She is chubby. Her roly-poly body parts squash together the way our bodies do before we lose our baby fat.
She has bright, intelligent brown eyes and a beautiful smile. She has a way of getting the giggles in the middle of the room, surrounded by women at least 50 to 60 years her senior, and suddenly everyone is laughing and smiling. She is fearless. Often I turn around and she is dancing and singing loudly to the music, eyes closed in front of everyone. She has a way of asking me the most amazing questions, ones that simply remind me how beautiful and funny childhood really is.
Not long ago she said, “Isn’t it great the way your boobies swing everywhere you go?”
She is just hitting puberty and is just getting her first bras. She also asked if it was possible for her to get a hysterectomy now, because getting your period sounds gross. (Amen).
Lately she has been more self conscious, a little worried. Someone who loves her told her she needs to lose weight. Someone who is an authority in her world told her she is fat. She has to start thinking about what she eats. She is too tomboyish and not girlish enough.
So her food is restricted, avoiding snacks and fats, sugars, or maybe carbs. She is already learning that she is too much and not enough. She is not allowed to do things with the boys anymore. Not manly activities allowed, no fishing or playing rough or just being a child anymore.
I think this is dangerous ground.
She is only 9.
I have no children. I am not an authority on parenting, nor do I pretend to be. But I get scared whenever anyone talks to young girls about weight. I get scared when anyone starts to teach young girls to be afraid of food. How to diet is a lesson you need not learn as a child.
In fact, I see women binge, restrict or stop eating altogether because of their complexes about food and dieting they learned in their youth.
I hate to see this girl struggle against something she does not need to understand; struggle against something I learned too early, before my body had a fair chance to see how it would mold itself.
Maybe I am quick to judge, but I see myself in that round little face. I see myself wanting to be pleasing, I remember yo-yo dieting forever, not eating sugar, and then not eating bread for months at a time. I remember succeeding and failing, in turn, feeling my worth judged solely by the number on the scale, the size on the clothing label and the amount of space I took up in the room.
My character was secondary to my physical appearance, to the amount of weight I shed, or had shed, or worse - gained.
I could be wrong, but I think people talk to young girls differently than they do young boys. My brothers came through adolescence unscathed, and with a general acceptance and personal comfort in their bodies. I don’t remember them ever dieting. (Well, my older brother was on Weight Watchers recently, but never as we grew up.) We never talked about their diets, their weight or their weigh-ins. I feel like we talked about mine for the entirety of my life. Not just in my home, but everyone, everywhere, had something to say.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. What they do not tell you is that everyone in the village is not equipped to give advice or to criticize, because each villager is carrying his or her own baggage, ready to transfer it to the next person.
Eating disorders and issues with food surround me in my family. Cousins and aunts have been anorexic or bulimic. I think they have passed that simple self-hate women can know so well onto the next generation.
I wonder if people realize what they pass on in their lives. Outside of good books and priceless heirlooms, family stories and hopefully, good sense, we can pass on our basic dislike of ourselves and our bodies, our disorders and/or addictions.
I spend 90 percent of my time with the women of my club. My favorites are all the ones who love themselves now – in this moment. That’s my hope for my little friend. I hope she knows she is enough the way she is. I hope she learns that it all gets better as she grows.
And no, I do not like the way my boobies swing across the room with me. That will come, too. It is called gravity.
If you or someone you know has an eating disorder, you can find information online at the National Eating Disorder Association website nationaleatingdisorders.org, or you can call toll free at 206-382-3587. Office hours are 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Pacific time. Or you can find Caitlin at Curves, 530-275-6426 or catch her at caitatcurves.blogspot.com.
Caitlin Elizabeth Moore still wants to play third base for the Giants. Until then she is existing happily in canine captivity, working at Curves, selling art and learning to be a grownup.
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So insightful. So delightful. Thank you!
Curves…where the best women and girls hang out. Great article Caitlin.
Your article is very thought provoking. As a father of 2 daughters, I was always dismayed at the subtly brutal comments little girls make to one another about their bodies and how it impacts their self image. Some too, from “well-meaning” adults who should know better. As I look at the Norman Rockwell image at the article header, it’s all too easy to imagine the young woman there wondering if her ankles were too fat. Seems crazy, but it happens all the time.
There is much self image anxiety affecting young men too, although it’s different. For instance, I get tons of spam in my e-mail box for products that ostensibly increase ones, er, length. Since several variations of these messages arrive daily in my spambox, I can assume the spam is successful for generating business. If the actual products were as successful as the spam, there would be a lot of 3 legged guys wandering around. Such foolishness, but I think it all adds up to a subtle impact on our male sense of self worth.
We are all temporary inhabitants of these fleshy pods we call bodies. On our journey through life to self discovery (rediscovery?), we are all affected along the way by the opinions and casually cruel comments of others. As we gradually learn to become comfortable with ourselves, we also learn the value in life of being compassionate, and loving others unconditionally, no matter their physical form. Well, hopefully so.
Thanks for writing. Today I’m carrying around the image of your young protégé dancing fearlessly in my mind’s eye. It’s a beautiful thought.
I treat people who try to destroy my daughter’s self esteem with the same rancor that I would someone trying to molest them. They don’t need to be told that because they don’t look like some freak on TV that they are worthless. They don’t need to be told that because they are not a certain size dress that they will never be loved.
It is a shame the way the Brittanys and Jessicas have negatively impacted todays young girls. It is a bigger shame to hear that some people feel it is there place to try to influence young girls with their interpretation of what a young girl should be. I have always felt that the biggest influence in a girls’ life should be her own mommy. My mom has unconditionally loved me through all of my childhood and adult life. At times it wasn’t “pretty” but she was always there supporting and encouraging me to be me. Today is Mom’s 79th Birthday….thank you Mom. This is for you:
REFLECTIONS
There’s a mirror in my mom’s room;
I saw Dad hang it there.
Mom said that she needed it
to dress and check her hair.
Dressed, she stands in front of it;
I watch her twist and turn.
Close attention is required;
as a girl, I need to learn.
Cause someday, when I’m grown up,
a mother I will be.
And have a little daughter,
who sits and watches me.
I think people are mostly well-intentioned, not that it negates their actions or their choice of words. I know some of the people I hold nearest and dearest in this world have said some of the things that still play in the back of my head and at the time would tell yout hat they were trying to help. Thinking I would have been happier skinnier or without those extra pounds of baby fat. I just try to remember no matter who you talk to be careful what you say, you have no idea what it will mean to them. And again in regards to children, especially girls, and without having kids, to just let them be little awhile longer. They will grow up too soon anyway.
Happy Birthday to your Mom, sacrificial. It was a lovely tribute.
Skip, thank you especially for your note. There is something special about little girls who love their fathers and are loved in return, that is something I will remember with me today as I think of my Daddy.
The honesty and sensitivity shown is awesome. Some of us have bouts of self-hate, and then a feeling of self-worth, that yo-yo back and forth for decades.. We are fortunate to meet people of all ages, who give us a moral boost - like all the ladies at our Curves. Thank you for knowing we are all different and have individual needs now and then. Great job, young lady~